Rain

It's a rainy sunday night. My heart feels so blue. 

Take some time away from everything else and focus on things that i should be putting an effort into. Right now it's school and work. I'm still trying to find the balance between both, and to have a life despite the hectic schedules. But then again, what life? 

I will find myself again. I will be the same waiyin i was before all these started. Just... give me some time. Cuz it's not as easy as i thought. 

xoxo, W 

Pillars

To the people who stood by me throughout my ups and downs, through my heartaches and tears, and basically for being there through all my steps in life, i love you. All of you. I wouldn't be where i am today if it weren't for you guys and honestly, no words would ever suffice how thankful i am to have all of you in my life. You know who you are.

Today weizhen gave me such a pleasant surprise when she purposely dropped by the store to give me a box of macarons. What will i do without all my pillars? :') So so so thankful.

Meeting John today and just talking about the past made me realize how much we've all grown. Past relationships, past crushes and heartaches, are all behind us now. Those days are memories we take with us into our new phase of life, whether or not it's good or bad, it was what moulded us into who were are today. Back then i never thought i would walk out of that heartbreak and it felt like i would never open up to anyone ever again, but i did. And as painful as it is now, i know i will end up walking out of this. And i know that in the future, as i look back at what i am now, i will be laughing.

Always thankful to have a friend where even though we rarely ever meet, but when we do, it's still easy to catchup and fill each other in on life. I'm sorry if i talked a lot about myself today but i really needed to get it all out of my system. And i know that you will always listen to my rants because you've always been doing so since years ago. And for that, i am extremely thankful.

"You will walk out of this, i know you will. It takes time but you will. You've done it before, you can do it again." Thankyou.

I know i will. And i hope you find yours soon :)

xoxo, W

Walking away

Walking away, as scary as it sounds, could sometimes be the only option left. To save yourself from excruciating heartaches and uncontrollable tears. I guess this is it.

Perhaps i know that deep down in my heart, that all these feelings i have for him, are still there. And i keep hoping that someday, the guy i fell for in the past, would come back. But everyone is telling me otherwise. And i guess i know it too. I just couldn't face the fact that perhaps the person i fell for, never existed. Perhaps he just acted it out. Perhaps it was a facade. A facade that i fell into, that i threw my heart into. And why did i do that? I don't know. I thought it was real. I thought he was genuine. I thought he was someone i could give my heart to. So was i wrong?

Now that things are the way they are now, i'm slowly beginning to understand why everyone has been saying what they've said. Could it really be that you were putting up an act all along? Is this the real you? Why did i have so much faith in you when the you that i know, isn't you at all?

I kept waiting for him to return, because i felt that if i believed in him, if i waited for him, he would sense it and he would come back. But i guess not everything works this way. It has been too long, too much faith, and unfortunately too much pain to bear. I cannot go on. I shouldn't. I guess the faith i had in him, is disappearing. And now, i'm accepting the fact that he's not coming back. Maybe even believing the fact that he never existed at all.

Dear you,
I had a lot of faith in you. I thought that you would revert to being the guy i fell for. I thought that if i believed in you long enough, you would feel it too. But i was wrong. I miss you, i really do. But i now know that your feelings weren't true, and that you've been playing me all along. Sure, i stood by you throughout, and i've watched you fall for someone else over and over again. Yet i stayed. The countless times that you come and go as and when you felt like it, i stayed. When you made me feel like you were coming back to me, i believed you. But the next thing i know? You were gone again, as usual. Who am i to you? Why are you doing this to me? There are so many questions that i can't get answers to. I can only feel like a complete fool. Everything i've done, or said, were futile. But still, i hope you're happy. I hope you'll finally find someone that will make you stop your games.

The past year has been one hell of a ride for me. Because i would never have imagined that after 3 years of mending my heart and keeping it away from jerks, i would actually open it up to someone who would end up breaking it. It has been crazy. So crazily painful that no amount of words would suffice in describing it.

Save me.

xoxo, W

My reason

Y'know... Truth is, i think there's this hidden feeling in my heart that i never got to explore, never got to try. Because you went away even before i could justify my feelings for you. And he stole my heart. Now that i'm out of the blurry mess, i'm starting to see things clearly. And when you text me, i feel as though my feelings are reviving. I don't know how i'll feel if i see you, but i wanna find out. Is this weird? Feeling this way?

You're a part of my past that i never had answers to. I never even got to try. I never got to explore my feelings because all i could do was to sweep them under the carpet because i wasn't sure about yours. I wish i could turn back time, to see if you could really be the love i've been looking for. I'm hoping our time would come again.

Because i am so tired of being hurt, of being played, and of loving someone who doesn't see me.

Would you be my reason to smile?

xoxo, W

Everything i own

Every love song that plays, i think of you. As much as i don't want to, i do. How is it so that someone who brings me so much pain, stays in my heart for so long? I don't understand. 

So everyday i tell myself that you're not the one for me cause if you were, you wouldn't do this to me. But every single day i get caught up in my own emotions that i no longer know what i should do. I'm trying my best to keep my days as packed as i can, to keep myself around people who genuinely care about me. I keep doing whatever it takes to keep you out of my head, my heart. I don't know if it's working, but i think it is. I'm no longer tormented by your actions. 

I don't bother anymore, really. I'm not even trying to fight for anything anymore. I just wanna do what makes me happy. Because as time goes by, i've seen a lot, i've realized things, and i've learned a lot. I now know that with all the things you've done to me in the past, i should've walked away. I shouldn't have stayed, hoping that someday you'll see. I shouldn't keep being the second choice. I shouldn't have done a lot of things i've done. But what can i say? 

I faced my feelings. Did you? I told you everything i felt. Did you? 

I should've listened, but i didn't. I should've walked away, but i didn't. I should've been mad at you, but i wasn't. You should've seen my heart, but you didn't. 

I miss the guy i fell for. I miss him so much that it hurts but try as hard as i might, i'll probably never find him. Now when i look at you, all i see is a shell. That guy is gone. Or hidden, i don't know. There's a lot of things about you that i no longer know. And people keep asking me "oh how is he doing now?" and all i can tell them is "i don't know". Because i honestly don't. Who are you? Where is that guy who was everything i was looking for? People change, they say. I think i see it now. 

Time. Time will bring me someone who would mend me. 

My heart is so weary. 

xoxo, W

New phase

Hello my favourite space, it's been awhile.

So i entered a new phase of life recently, and i made an amazing bunch of friends who make going to school such a joy. I guess it's true that when people tell me "you'll definitely find friends who are gonna stick with you throughout your uni life" and i really hope this group sticks with me.

School aside, i've been trying like hell to juggle work into this hectic schedule. Being me, i know that the only way to keep my mind off things, is to keep myself as busy as i possible can. I'm drained. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. But i don't feel half as horrible as when i'm not doing anything and i let my thoughts get the better of me. This will work, i know it will.

My heart...? I don't know anymore. Honestly nowadays everything is so crazy that i barely have the time to mull over affairs of the heart. I'm glad that there are some who thinks of me and occasionally texts me to ask if i'm okay, to say that they're dropping by the store to see if i'm working, etc. I'm touched, honestly i am. But i don't know how to express it without coming off as overly-freaky. But you, thankyou :) I am truly glad that you still remember me :') And you'll always be my 'could have been'.

They say some people are meant to walk away from each other in order to end up back together. I hope so. I guess everything's planned out for us, we just have to wait for the right time for things to happen they way they were meant to.

My heart's weary, and wary. But i hope that as time goes by, i'll be able to mend this back to how it was before everything started. The same way that i fixed it 4 years ago. So help me. Cuz this love is really taking it's toll on me. And my body's not dealing very well with it. I'm dying, sighpie.

xoxo, W

Better

It feels like things are finally getting better. I hope that i can feel whole again. Hopefully. 

Now i've stopped searching, i'm just gonna do what i can do, live the way i want to live. If it comes, it'll come. And i'll deal with it when the time comes. Other than that, this carefree and care less life is fine now. 

xoxo, W 

Everything i thought you were

Just as i was folding shirts just now, i started drifting off into my own world and i started listening to the lyrics of this song very carefully. That was when i felt like it was singing my lifestory. Like i could totally relate to the song, and all of a sudden i felt that sharp pain in my heart. 

But everything is just a shell now. And i'm trying to fill it up with memories that i remember from the past. Hopefully one day i will fill it up and feel like there is someone back in there again. 

I am so sick of this. It's upsetting to know that something i took 3 years to mend, is broken again. And i honestly don't know how long it will take for me to mend it all over again. I can't even begin. You know how sometimes when something gets so broken, you stop trying to fix it because you know it's never gonna be completely new again. And you just ditch it. If i could ditch my heart, i think i honestly would. It's so tiring to know someone, let them in, and then watch them leave. But then again, this is always going to happen. Until one day when you let the right person in, and this person is gonna be the final mending piece and this person will never leave. That's when you feel like everything else in the past are stepping stones. 

"You cannot control how things will turn out to be. But you can control how you get up after you fall." Thanks for the advice :) 

Then again, i've survived the past, i can survive it again. Ohwellz.

xoxo, W 

Drop it

Tonight feels strangely different. On normal nights i would have you on my mind, and i'll feel like someone's squeezing my heart & i can't breathe. But tonight, it doesn't hurt. Am i slowly moving out of this phase?

Today was good. I feel like i'm starting to open up again. I will always be thankful for Jamie because she has been healing me with the things she bring into my life. What would i do without her :')

I will let nature take it's course from here on. Cuz what will be, will be.

About the past, i'm slowly letting go. I have to. Cuz it's not working.

xoxo, W

Heartsong

On my way home just now, Chong played this song and all of a sudden it felt like someone was tugging on my heartstrings. This song holds so much memories, for some reason. It was probably one of those songs that i listen to and cry my heart out during the past, 3 years ago. When i was trying so hard to let go of the relationship that ended without a hint of explanation. It was 'that' song. That kind of sad, heartbreaking, cry-your-heart-out kind of song. And tonight as i listened to it, i felt that same raw pain i felt 3 years ago. Just that now i'm already used to it. 

But hey, it has amazing lyrics. Lyrics i would love to hear from a guy. 

Recently i've been thinking. It's time to stop chasing after people who walked away, and just keep them in my heart. CK once told me "there is no such thing as "i've tried my best"" because you'll never know how much is "i've tried my best" and you can always try harder. It has been etched in my mind ever since and i keep asking myself "how hard have i tried?" and can i try harder? Or am i supposed to try harder? I really don't know. I've reached a point whereby i've stop being bothered about life. I'm just taking things as they come. If it happens, i'll deal with it. If it doesn't, then it's alright. I don't wanna keep thinking about things that end up killing me. This hurt has got to stop. I'm barely hanging on, and sometimes when all i wanna do is break down and cry, i can't. Cuz there's no point in doing so. So what if i cry? Will anything change? No. Cuz if it would, then it should already have changed. 

The past year has been a crazy rollercoaster ride, i've cried more tears than i have in my past relationship, and i've been through more confusion that i've ever had in my life. All the questions that were in my head, unanswered. Yet i stayed. I don't know why, but i just wanted to. If this is love then it's messed up. 

Sometimes i wish we had control over who we fall for. Sighpie. 

I'm fine with everything that has happened. And i have no regrets. Or so i guess. But the only thing that kills me is the fact that i've been giving my heart and putting my time and effort on someone who's heart isn't here. To literally stay by a person who is putting his time and effort on someone else. And to still be there for him when he's down. I feel like such a fool. But perhaps this is what love does to you. Or is this just a long infatuation? Haa. 

Ohwellz, this is life. Life does crazy things to you but you'll live anyway. So i'm just gonna roll with life's punches and hope that something works out soon. This storm is taking too long. Way too long. I'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to see my rainbow.

xoxo, W 

Mirrors

"If he really cares about you, he'll show you. If he really loves you, he'll be chasing after you." 

She told me this today. And i know. I emptied my heart out to her, and she understood. The kind where i don't have to explain how i feel, i just say it and she gets it. 

So i figured if this is how it has been for the past year, the answers are clear. I guess i don't need to hear them from him anymore. I kinda already know. But there will always be this part of me that feels otherwise. That thinks that the old him is still somewhere in there, just hiding. But then again, whatever it is, this is exhausting. I honestly feel like i've fought so long to end up nowhere. Back then if you asked me is it worth the while, i would tell you 'yes', in a heartbeat. Today if you ask me, i really don't know. 

Would you fight for someone who isn't fighting for you? Would you fight for someone whose heart isn't with you? And would you fight for someone who keeps falling for others? It gets harder and harder to fight with each passing day. 

And someone once told me "sometimes you gotta let everything fall apart, to see if it'll fall back into place again." i guess so... I mean if it was meant to be, it would. However long we may take, we'd find our way back into love. But my faith in this is wearing thin. 

But i'll survive. Today she told me "When love is supposed to come to you, it'll come. And you can't push it away." Then perhaps i'll wait till my time comes. With the right one. Just, whatever it is, enough with the mind games. I want something real, true, and sure. Is that really too much to ask for? Sigh. 

xoxo, W 

Bygones

I think i should really let you go. After a whole year of tug-of-war, come and go feelings, and a lot a lot a lot of pain and heartache... I don't think i can do this anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared i'll never be able to walk out of this if i don't let you go. The old you. The one who gave me so much to believe in, the one who made me open up and let him into my world. The one who i really thought was someone i could count on, someone who would walk with me. I miss him. But right now it feels like he's someone who lives in my memory. Someone i might never get to see again.

They say if you love someone, let them go. And so i shall. Although a whole portion of me knows that you're not coming back, but there will always be this teeny weeny part of me that hopes you would return. I know it sounds so silly but it's true. And it scares me how my heart hasn't wavered despite all the pain. And it scares me even more how i can feel so much for someone who isn't even mine to begin with. How i remained so 'loyal', in a sense, when there's no strings attached. I must really be out of my mind.

But help me. Help me walk out of this darkness. I have seen him fall for others, and i just pretended like it didn't bother me. I had to. Cuz i gotta be his friend. But it has reached a point whereby i know he's gonna keep falling for others and so i don't know how long i can keep pretending because honestly, it hurts. Like someone ripping my heart out, but i don't show it. Cuz i can't.

And each time i see him upset, i feel like i wanna cheer him up. But i know i'm not the person he's looking for. And when i try, it feels like i shouldn't have. Cuz i usually end up with nonchalant replies. It's hard. It's hard to start a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you. And like i said, the person i fell for, isn't there anymore. Cuz if it was, i would've known. I would've felt it. But i didn't.

This pain is killing me.

I used to have a lot of faith in love, and in him. But now every time i look at him, or think of him, i don't recognize the person looking back at me. I look into his eyes but i can't see him. Sometimes it feels like i'm looking at a shell. And sometimes i wonder if i made the wrong decision falling for him instead of someone else who could really have loved me. My could-have-been.

I miss you, the old you. But i can't find him, no matter how hard i've searched.

xoxo, W

The last time

My weekly dosage of HIMYM & 90210 makes me sad enough as it is, but when this song started playing, it felt like someone's hand was in my chest and was ripping my heart out. It hurts. 

I'm fine, i really am. Until just now when i was taking a nap and all of a sudden i went into flashback mode, and it jolted me awake. The past, like a faded memory, suddenly became so clear, so vivid. Like i could almost feel you hugging me. But no. I can't keep doing this to myself because i know, i was never the one. I watched you fall for someone else, twice, and i just stayed where i was, be there for you whenever i could. Probably hoping that someday you'd see. But then again, the joke's on me. After all the pain this whole thing has put me through, i still stuck around. Now i just feel like a fool. 

I'll be the friend i said i would be. And i'll still be here for you. But i can't treat you the same way i would in the past, cuz it hurts. So bad, you have no idea. 

But hey, they say better things will come. You know, i always thought you were my "better thing" cuz you made me feel like you are. But then i realized you made her feel like you were her "better thing" too. I guess the person i fell for last year, has disappeared. And i should start taking steps forward too. I miss you, honestly i do. But this pain, it's too much to bear. I thought if i stayed long enough you'd see how i feel, and that you might feel it too, but time has shown me that this was all just in my head. You don't. 

xoxo, W

Heavy heart

Tonight, tonight i find myself wincing in pain for almost no reason at all. Whatever that is happening to me, please blow over soon. I've been trapped in this storm for too long now, i need my rainbow.

It's hard to sleep with a heavy heart. A broken heart. A heart that took me 3 years to barely mend. It shouldn't be so broken now. It shouldn't.

Dear heart, i'm sorry. But i'm fixing you, so please hang in there.

xx, W.

I need to heal

My heart feels like it's gonna stop beating soon. Sometimes it hurts so much that i start to wonder if my heart is really okay. Maybe it's dead, for all i know. Hahaha.

4 more days to my birthday, and i'm almost almost done with the preparations. I'm extremely thankful for the people around me who have been helping me along the way. Don't know what i'd do without them, really :') With that said, that'll mean it's another 6 more days till i breathe the korean air, and stand on the same piece of land as my ukiss boys. I can't wait, i really can't wait.

There's so much i wanna let go of here. All the pain, the heartache, the confusions of the mind, everything. Right now the only thing i would miss here are my closest people, and my parents ofcourse. Since my sis is going with me, i'd have half my world over there with me so i'm fine. It'll be so perfect if i could just drop everything and stay in korea for a bit. Till my heart feels whole again. Lesighz.

I can do this, i can. The last time i felt so shitty, although it took a long long loooong time, i got over it in the end. I can do it again right?

Oooookay, i've made up my mind. I should totally create a public blog and post about food and happy things, so that as long as i keep thinking i'm fine, i would eventually be fine. C'mon waiyin, this isn't you.

xoxo, W

Breathless

After so long of not blogging, i'm back again. This time with more loads on my chest. Loads i really need to get rid of.

I feel like i'm stuck in a dark hole, and everything surrounding me is bright and happy, except me. And i hate this feeling cuz i'm not normally like this. I'm really not.

Weeks ago i felt that same raw pain i've felt 3 years ago. So much so that it consumes me but i realized that hey, i'm used to this pain. It hurts, but it wasn't something i couldn't deal with. Am i really that dark and twisted, and have i really grown so used to the heartache that it doesn't hurt as much anymore? If it is then it's sad. Cuz it took so much out of me to finally trust someone and let someone into my heart but here i am again, battered and bruised. I'm sure when i say i know not all guys are like that but why haven't i met someone who would mend my heart instead of break it? Where is he?

That aside, i feel like i've closed my heart out from the world. I wanna go back into fandom and hopefully seek some comfort in that. My heart hurts terribly but i can't show it cuz it's weak, and a sour face is not what people would wanna see. So i put up a strong front and hopefully convince myself that if people see that i'm happy, and believe that i'm happy, then i myself would believe that i'm happy too. And eventually, as time goes by, i'll be fine again.

Okay happy thoughts! I'm stoked about my partyyyyyyy! I'm finally throwing a birthday party after idk how many years and i'm really glad to have my friends and family with me :) But the preparation is killing me and it's really taking it's toll on me. Then there's work... Work is, i would say, annoying. A dread. I have never dreaded going to work before but nowadays i have to drag myself there. Everything in that place is going wrong and it's weird and it's just not somewhere i wanna be right now. I want happy places. I wanna be able to be happy. But here, i can't. I unknowingly sulk, and that's not me.

Right now i just wish we could fast forward time to the 30th, celebrate my birthday and then fly off to Korea and if i could, i'd not come back so soon. This time things are different. I want to be away from everything here because it hurts, and i have to keep pretending that it doesn't affect me when it does.

I need a getaway. Cause i've been looking for answers for too long, and now that i found the answer, i wanna be away from it. I wanna start on a clean slate. Because i feel like i've wasted 1 year going in circles and ending up broken.

I'm not that strong, really. All i want is someone i can run to when i'm down, and when i feel like my world is gonna come crashing down on me, i need him to hold it up for me. To give me the tightest hugs and to tell me that he's gonna be there for me no matter what comes our way. I haven't found him yet.

xoxo, W

Strength

Always have faith. Never give up on someone if you know you can still hold on. Because we're all in the process of finding ourselves. Time.

Now tell me, what do you do if you have to hide everything because nothing is clear? But then again i took a few leaps last year and i don't know if it even got me anywhere but it doesn't feel like it did. So, what now? It's like throwing a boomerang and it doesn't come back to you. Or it's like... trying to clap with one hand.

Whatever it is... what will be, will be. I'm happy as long as i'm with the people i care about. The people who can make me laugh even when i really don't want to. And for that i'm so so so thankful :) Wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.

xoxo, W