Breathless

After so long of not blogging, i'm back again. This time with more loads on my chest. Loads i really need to get rid of.

I feel like i'm stuck in a dark hole, and everything surrounding me is bright and happy, except me. And i hate this feeling cuz i'm not normally like this. I'm really not.

Weeks ago i felt that same raw pain i've felt 3 years ago. So much so that it consumes me but i realized that hey, i'm used to this pain. It hurts, but it wasn't something i couldn't deal with. Am i really that dark and twisted, and have i really grown so used to the heartache that it doesn't hurt as much anymore? If it is then it's sad. Cuz it took so much out of me to finally trust someone and let someone into my heart but here i am again, battered and bruised. I'm sure when i say i know not all guys are like that but why haven't i met someone who would mend my heart instead of break it? Where is he?

That aside, i feel like i've closed my heart out from the world. I wanna go back into fandom and hopefully seek some comfort in that. My heart hurts terribly but i can't show it cuz it's weak, and a sour face is not what people would wanna see. So i put up a strong front and hopefully convince myself that if people see that i'm happy, and believe that i'm happy, then i myself would believe that i'm happy too. And eventually, as time goes by, i'll be fine again.

Okay happy thoughts! I'm stoked about my partyyyyyyy! I'm finally throwing a birthday party after idk how many years and i'm really glad to have my friends and family with me :) But the preparation is killing me and it's really taking it's toll on me. Then there's work... Work is, i would say, annoying. A dread. I have never dreaded going to work before but nowadays i have to drag myself there. Everything in that place is going wrong and it's weird and it's just not somewhere i wanna be right now. I want happy places. I wanna be able to be happy. But here, i can't. I unknowingly sulk, and that's not me.

Right now i just wish we could fast forward time to the 30th, celebrate my birthday and then fly off to Korea and if i could, i'd not come back so soon. This time things are different. I want to be away from everything here because it hurts, and i have to keep pretending that it doesn't affect me when it does.

I need a getaway. Cause i've been looking for answers for too long, and now that i found the answer, i wanna be away from it. I wanna start on a clean slate. Because i feel like i've wasted 1 year going in circles and ending up broken.

I'm not that strong, really. All i want is someone i can run to when i'm down, and when i feel like my world is gonna come crashing down on me, i need him to hold it up for me. To give me the tightest hugs and to tell me that he's gonna be there for me no matter what comes our way. I haven't found him yet.

xoxo, W