Don't know what to feel, don't know what to do.

Work has been the only thing keeping me sane yet driving me insane at the right times. I've learned to revert back to being independent just the way i was before. In a way (i know i shouldn't be feeling like this) but sometimes i feel so alone. Like i'm where i was before. But being alone somehow doesn't scare me anymore, and honestly i feel so used to this. Just that i thought i'm done being alone. 

I know work is crazy, careers have to be in place, and we're at the age to start chionging our careers and all, but work-life balance? It's the little things... that still seems too difficult to achieve. Am i really asking for too much? I understand we get busy at times, but a meal, a text, no? 

But it doesn't faze me anymore. I have gotten used to this. It's just a weird cycle whereby i get really happy when he's around but i just get so nonchalant when there's no reply no communication no interest. Or when he'd rather play his game than talk to me when i've waited for him for the past few hours to get home. My heart just... i don't even know how to describe it. But again, it's fine. Maybe i'm just being crazy, as always. Idk. 

All i wanna do is lie down and talk about the day, the world, the future, anything that comes to mind. Share my day with him, and his with me. But i just lay there by myself... till i eventually drift asleep. 

I love you. So much more than you can imagine, and i don't know if it's helping me or killing me. Making you happy is what makes me happy. But i guess everyone will eventually run out of things to give if they keep giving.

Every night i worry if he's home, because bikes be dangerous af. But sigh.
Almost every night recently, the tears will put me to sleep. And i wake up every morning putting on the strongest front i can master, and start the day. Because why? Because no one wants to see a sour face, a sad face. But thankfully, somehow going to work can make me happier by that little bit. And that's enough to see me through the day. Until the night comes again and it's a cycle. But i try. And i try like hell to be as happy as i can while wishing for brighter days to come. 

Maybe just, give me that little bit more of strength to tide through this phase with him. Because i know it's not easy on him either. To brighter and happier days. 

When there's no one else to talk to, i'm glad i still have this little space for me to turn to.

My heart hurts.

Yes, right now i feel like the most useless person on this earth. I am pathetic, i am. I don't blame anyone for saying that. But it hurts.

The one person i should be able to run to, has been burdened by me. And i can feel it, i know it. Maybe i should really be strong for myself, like how i was when i was alone. There's this saying "Coffins are made for one anyway" and i doubt i'll ever forget this phrase. It's so true. I mean honestly at the end of the day, we're all going to die alone, be buried alone, and leave this world alone. So why not start being okay with being alone now right?

When he says those things to me, my heart dies. And i can't show it because yeah, maybe i'm sensitive, maybe i'm petty, maybe it's my ego. I don't know what it is, but you know that feeling when you're so down and out and you're desperately looking for comfort from someone but you get something harsher instead? Your heart just dies. But it's no surprise for me, my heart has died so many times and revived itself so many times after. I know i'll walk out of this alive, but it hurts and i just need a space to rant. Because maybe really no one understands.

I love him. With everything i have left of my heart, i love him. Which is why when he hurts me with those words, i just swallow it. I know he means no harm. I know he loves me. But i guess i'm not strong enough to just listen to those words and pretend like it doesn't affect me.

Every time i try my best to understand, to help, to be alert and not say stupid things to piss him off. But sometimes this is just me? Maybe i really am stupid, ignorant, non-observant. Maybe i am. And so every single time, without fail, i annoy him. I've really tried. Honestly, i do whatever he told me to do, or i copied whatever he does so that it doesn't go against what he normally does, and so i won't get scolded but somehow, just somehow, something will just trigger him. The old me would start a fight, or argue. But i've learned to just shut up. Because i know that if i open my mouth and say something, it will get nasty and we'll all start saying mean things that we don't mean (or subtly, indirectly do mean it) and we'll just hurt each other, hurt the relationship. So if by me keeping quiet and taking it in, means that it'll save our relationship, i'll do it. I just need a space, like this, to vent it all out when i feel like i need to let it out.

I know he's stressed with his job. I know i can be really annoying and irritating. I guess we just have to find a way to work this around the both of us so that we don't keep creating conflicts that are avoidable.

It's all fine. I'm just hoping it'll get better because if i can't deal with it now, how will it be like in the future? I don't know. I'm scared. I want a future with him but if i'm going to end up feeling upset every time he does this, how am i gonna survive. Will i run out of 'heart', or run out of tears. I don't know.

Please, i just hope everything gets better somehow. I love him, and i love us. Sigh