Bygones

I think i should really let you go. After a whole year of tug-of-war, come and go feelings, and a lot a lot a lot of pain and heartache... I don't think i can do this anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared i'll never be able to walk out of this if i don't let you go. The old you. The one who gave me so much to believe in, the one who made me open up and let him into my world. The one who i really thought was someone i could count on, someone who would walk with me. I miss him. But right now it feels like he's someone who lives in my memory. Someone i might never get to see again.

They say if you love someone, let them go. And so i shall. Although a whole portion of me knows that you're not coming back, but there will always be this teeny weeny part of me that hopes you would return. I know it sounds so silly but it's true. And it scares me how my heart hasn't wavered despite all the pain. And it scares me even more how i can feel so much for someone who isn't even mine to begin with. How i remained so 'loyal', in a sense, when there's no strings attached. I must really be out of my mind.

But help me. Help me walk out of this darkness. I have seen him fall for others, and i just pretended like it didn't bother me. I had to. Cuz i gotta be his friend. But it has reached a point whereby i know he's gonna keep falling for others and so i don't know how long i can keep pretending because honestly, it hurts. Like someone ripping my heart out, but i don't show it. Cuz i can't.

And each time i see him upset, i feel like i wanna cheer him up. But i know i'm not the person he's looking for. And when i try, it feels like i shouldn't have. Cuz i usually end up with nonchalant replies. It's hard. It's hard to start a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you. And like i said, the person i fell for, isn't there anymore. Cuz if it was, i would've known. I would've felt it. But i didn't.

This pain is killing me.

I used to have a lot of faith in love, and in him. But now every time i look at him, or think of him, i don't recognize the person looking back at me. I look into his eyes but i can't see him. Sometimes it feels like i'm looking at a shell. And sometimes i wonder if i made the wrong decision falling for him instead of someone else who could really have loved me. My could-have-been.

I miss you, the old you. But i can't find him, no matter how hard i've searched.

xoxo, W