Everything i thought you were

Just as i was folding shirts just now, i started drifting off into my own world and i started listening to the lyrics of this song very carefully. That was when i felt like it was singing my lifestory. Like i could totally relate to the song, and all of a sudden i felt that sharp pain in my heart. 

But everything is just a shell now. And i'm trying to fill it up with memories that i remember from the past. Hopefully one day i will fill it up and feel like there is someone back in there again. 

I am so sick of this. It's upsetting to know that something i took 3 years to mend, is broken again. And i honestly don't know how long it will take for me to mend it all over again. I can't even begin. You know how sometimes when something gets so broken, you stop trying to fix it because you know it's never gonna be completely new again. And you just ditch it. If i could ditch my heart, i think i honestly would. It's so tiring to know someone, let them in, and then watch them leave. But then again, this is always going to happen. Until one day when you let the right person in, and this person is gonna be the final mending piece and this person will never leave. That's when you feel like everything else in the past are stepping stones. 

"You cannot control how things will turn out to be. But you can control how you get up after you fall." Thanks for the advice :) 

Then again, i've survived the past, i can survive it again. Ohwellz.

xoxo, W 

Drop it

Tonight feels strangely different. On normal nights i would have you on my mind, and i'll feel like someone's squeezing my heart & i can't breathe. But tonight, it doesn't hurt. Am i slowly moving out of this phase?

Today was good. I feel like i'm starting to open up again. I will always be thankful for Jamie because she has been healing me with the things she bring into my life. What would i do without her :')

I will let nature take it's course from here on. Cuz what will be, will be.

About the past, i'm slowly letting go. I have to. Cuz it's not working.

xoxo, W

Heartsong

On my way home just now, Chong played this song and all of a sudden it felt like someone was tugging on my heartstrings. This song holds so much memories, for some reason. It was probably one of those songs that i listen to and cry my heart out during the past, 3 years ago. When i was trying so hard to let go of the relationship that ended without a hint of explanation. It was 'that' song. That kind of sad, heartbreaking, cry-your-heart-out kind of song. And tonight as i listened to it, i felt that same raw pain i felt 3 years ago. Just that now i'm already used to it. 

But hey, it has amazing lyrics. Lyrics i would love to hear from a guy. 

Recently i've been thinking. It's time to stop chasing after people who walked away, and just keep them in my heart. CK once told me "there is no such thing as "i've tried my best"" because you'll never know how much is "i've tried my best" and you can always try harder. It has been etched in my mind ever since and i keep asking myself "how hard have i tried?" and can i try harder? Or am i supposed to try harder? I really don't know. I've reached a point whereby i've stop being bothered about life. I'm just taking things as they come. If it happens, i'll deal with it. If it doesn't, then it's alright. I don't wanna keep thinking about things that end up killing me. This hurt has got to stop. I'm barely hanging on, and sometimes when all i wanna do is break down and cry, i can't. Cuz there's no point in doing so. So what if i cry? Will anything change? No. Cuz if it would, then it should already have changed. 

The past year has been a crazy rollercoaster ride, i've cried more tears than i have in my past relationship, and i've been through more confusion that i've ever had in my life. All the questions that were in my head, unanswered. Yet i stayed. I don't know why, but i just wanted to. If this is love then it's messed up. 

Sometimes i wish we had control over who we fall for. Sighpie. 

I'm fine with everything that has happened. And i have no regrets. Or so i guess. But the only thing that kills me is the fact that i've been giving my heart and putting my time and effort on someone who's heart isn't here. To literally stay by a person who is putting his time and effort on someone else. And to still be there for him when he's down. I feel like such a fool. But perhaps this is what love does to you. Or is this just a long infatuation? Haa. 

Ohwellz, this is life. Life does crazy things to you but you'll live anyway. So i'm just gonna roll with life's punches and hope that something works out soon. This storm is taking too long. Way too long. I'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to see my rainbow.

xoxo, W 

Mirrors

"If he really cares about you, he'll show you. If he really loves you, he'll be chasing after you." 

She told me this today. And i know. I emptied my heart out to her, and she understood. The kind where i don't have to explain how i feel, i just say it and she gets it. 

So i figured if this is how it has been for the past year, the answers are clear. I guess i don't need to hear them from him anymore. I kinda already know. But there will always be this part of me that feels otherwise. That thinks that the old him is still somewhere in there, just hiding. But then again, whatever it is, this is exhausting. I honestly feel like i've fought so long to end up nowhere. Back then if you asked me is it worth the while, i would tell you 'yes', in a heartbeat. Today if you ask me, i really don't know. 

Would you fight for someone who isn't fighting for you? Would you fight for someone whose heart isn't with you? And would you fight for someone who keeps falling for others? It gets harder and harder to fight with each passing day. 

And someone once told me "sometimes you gotta let everything fall apart, to see if it'll fall back into place again." i guess so... I mean if it was meant to be, it would. However long we may take, we'd find our way back into love. But my faith in this is wearing thin. 

But i'll survive. Today she told me "When love is supposed to come to you, it'll come. And you can't push it away." Then perhaps i'll wait till my time comes. With the right one. Just, whatever it is, enough with the mind games. I want something real, true, and sure. Is that really too much to ask for? Sigh. 

xoxo, W 

Bygones

I think i should really let you go. After a whole year of tug-of-war, come and go feelings, and a lot a lot a lot of pain and heartache... I don't think i can do this anymore. I'm scared. I'm scared i'll never be able to walk out of this if i don't let you go. The old you. The one who gave me so much to believe in, the one who made me open up and let him into my world. The one who i really thought was someone i could count on, someone who would walk with me. I miss him. But right now it feels like he's someone who lives in my memory. Someone i might never get to see again.

They say if you love someone, let them go. And so i shall. Although a whole portion of me knows that you're not coming back, but there will always be this teeny weeny part of me that hopes you would return. I know it sounds so silly but it's true. And it scares me how my heart hasn't wavered despite all the pain. And it scares me even more how i can feel so much for someone who isn't even mine to begin with. How i remained so 'loyal', in a sense, when there's no strings attached. I must really be out of my mind.

But help me. Help me walk out of this darkness. I have seen him fall for others, and i just pretended like it didn't bother me. I had to. Cuz i gotta be his friend. But it has reached a point whereby i know he's gonna keep falling for others and so i don't know how long i can keep pretending because honestly, it hurts. Like someone ripping my heart out, but i don't show it. Cuz i can't.

And each time i see him upset, i feel like i wanna cheer him up. But i know i'm not the person he's looking for. And when i try, it feels like i shouldn't have. Cuz i usually end up with nonchalant replies. It's hard. It's hard to start a conversation with someone who doesn't want to talk to you. And like i said, the person i fell for, isn't there anymore. Cuz if it was, i would've known. I would've felt it. But i didn't.

This pain is killing me.

I used to have a lot of faith in love, and in him. But now every time i look at him, or think of him, i don't recognize the person looking back at me. I look into his eyes but i can't see him. Sometimes it feels like i'm looking at a shell. And sometimes i wonder if i made the wrong decision falling for him instead of someone else who could really have loved me. My could-have-been.

I miss you, the old you. But i can't find him, no matter how hard i've searched.

xoxo, W

The last time

My weekly dosage of HIMYM & 90210 makes me sad enough as it is, but when this song started playing, it felt like someone's hand was in my chest and was ripping my heart out. It hurts. 

I'm fine, i really am. Until just now when i was taking a nap and all of a sudden i went into flashback mode, and it jolted me awake. The past, like a faded memory, suddenly became so clear, so vivid. Like i could almost feel you hugging me. But no. I can't keep doing this to myself because i know, i was never the one. I watched you fall for someone else, twice, and i just stayed where i was, be there for you whenever i could. Probably hoping that someday you'd see. But then again, the joke's on me. After all the pain this whole thing has put me through, i still stuck around. Now i just feel like a fool. 

I'll be the friend i said i would be. And i'll still be here for you. But i can't treat you the same way i would in the past, cuz it hurts. So bad, you have no idea. 

But hey, they say better things will come. You know, i always thought you were my "better thing" cuz you made me feel like you are. But then i realized you made her feel like you were her "better thing" too. I guess the person i fell for last year, has disappeared. And i should start taking steps forward too. I miss you, honestly i do. But this pain, it's too much to bear. I thought if i stayed long enough you'd see how i feel, and that you might feel it too, but time has shown me that this was all just in my head. You don't. 

xoxo, W