Heartsong

On my way home just now, Chong played this song and all of a sudden it felt like someone was tugging on my heartstrings. This song holds so much memories, for some reason. It was probably one of those songs that i listen to and cry my heart out during the past, 3 years ago. When i was trying so hard to let go of the relationship that ended without a hint of explanation. It was 'that' song. That kind of sad, heartbreaking, cry-your-heart-out kind of song. And tonight as i listened to it, i felt that same raw pain i felt 3 years ago. Just that now i'm already used to it. 

But hey, it has amazing lyrics. Lyrics i would love to hear from a guy. 

Recently i've been thinking. It's time to stop chasing after people who walked away, and just keep them in my heart. CK once told me "there is no such thing as "i've tried my best"" because you'll never know how much is "i've tried my best" and you can always try harder. It has been etched in my mind ever since and i keep asking myself "how hard have i tried?" and can i try harder? Or am i supposed to try harder? I really don't know. I've reached a point whereby i've stop being bothered about life. I'm just taking things as they come. If it happens, i'll deal with it. If it doesn't, then it's alright. I don't wanna keep thinking about things that end up killing me. This hurt has got to stop. I'm barely hanging on, and sometimes when all i wanna do is break down and cry, i can't. Cuz there's no point in doing so. So what if i cry? Will anything change? No. Cuz if it would, then it should already have changed. 

The past year has been a crazy rollercoaster ride, i've cried more tears than i have in my past relationship, and i've been through more confusion that i've ever had in my life. All the questions that were in my head, unanswered. Yet i stayed. I don't know why, but i just wanted to. If this is love then it's messed up. 

Sometimes i wish we had control over who we fall for. Sighpie. 

I'm fine with everything that has happened. And i have no regrets. Or so i guess. But the only thing that kills me is the fact that i've been giving my heart and putting my time and effort on someone who's heart isn't here. To literally stay by a person who is putting his time and effort on someone else. And to still be there for him when he's down. I feel like such a fool. But perhaps this is what love does to you. Or is this just a long infatuation? Haa. 

Ohwellz, this is life. Life does crazy things to you but you'll live anyway. So i'm just gonna roll with life's punches and hope that something works out soon. This storm is taking too long. Way too long. I'm starting to feel like i'll never be able to see my rainbow.

xoxo, W