On tiptoes

I guess this is the only place i can pour my feelings out without getting judged and without others seeing me as a sad, emotional, upset teenager. But i feel like i am, sometimes. I'm just trying to find myself and in the midst of all these, i get lost. So lost that i forget who am i, and what i'm looking for. If i'm trying to find myself then why is it that each time i try, i get further away from my destination? I lose myself a bit more with each passing day. And i wonder why.

Then i look back at the life i've lived, and i start to think about what i have accomplished and what i have done. And this is when reality slaps me hard in the face. Nothing. I've been nothing special my entire life and i prolly will never be. But all these while i've been thinking that i've done a fairly good job at making my parents proud of me. Not in a "oh my daughter's a genius with all A1s" kind of proud, but at least i know i've not disappointed them in any major way. But why is it that now, 20 years into my life, i feel like i've done nothing worthy? Like i've just walked the path that was pathed out infront of me. And now my parents just want to make things a whole lot more difficult for me by coming up with redundant rules for me to follow. MORE RULES. What's new? 


But y'know what's crazy? That i'll still love my parents even after all these shit they throw at me. And that i can never muster enough guts to go against them. So.Very.Weak.I.Am. I have invisible chains on me, and i can feel it. 


Last night i felt like a sad piece of flesh. But i didn't wanna bother anyone cuz it feels like this is my battle to fight. And i know that no one wants to hear about how annoying my parents are because everyone has their problems too.

But it's okay, i'll live. As always.

xoxo, W
Thankful for the girls who were always there no matter how messed up i am.
You know who you are <3

Reality check

I just wish i could live my life the way i really want to. Not based on how others want me to. I wanna be happy. I wanna be able to tell my kids or grandkids in the future about the life i've lived. I know this sounds silly but i'm serious. Just like how my parents or my grandma would tell me stories about their childhood & i'll always be so amazed.

That aside, I feel like a puppet. Like i'm doing things to make people happy but i'm dying inside yet there's really nothing i can do. I'm 20, but my dad still wants to control the time i sleep.

No matter how hard i try to talk him out of it, or how hard i cry. I don't think it's gonna change. What else am i supposed to do?

Sometimes i get so sick of everything bad that's going on, i'll just cry my fill & sleep it off hoping that it'll blow over tomorrow. But half the time it never happens.

Idk where i found the strength previously, but i'll find it again. I'm just mad at how my world keeps crashing down on me when i least expect it. Next time just give me a sign.

And with all these happening, i just wanna run to someone for a hug. Just to feel better knowing that someone is there.

Ahhhhhhhhhwell. This is life. And reality likes to slap you in the face when you're offguard. I'll live.

xoxo, W

Graduation

I've finally graduated from NP. The day i've been looking forward to since the first day of school. I know, you're probably wondering why 1st day of school... but yup. I only really loved my friends :)

So today saw me in Graduation robe finally receiving my Diploma. It felt nice. Like i know that i've completed another stage of my life and it's time to move on to the next phase in life. And i'm scared... But i'll deal with it like how i've done so for the past few phases of my life. Hah.

In all honesty, when i first started off as a freshman in Poly, i thought i'd have someone who would be there with me throughout this 3 years and watch me graduate. Other than my parents, of course. But i was wrong. It feels like i'm always wrong, and i'm starting to wonder if i'll ever be right. So anyway, back to my point, i guess i felt how i felt because i saw how sweet it was when girlfriends come and support their boyfriends or vice versa. I think it's really nice, no? And because it's a happy occasion, so you'd want your someone special to be by your side. Right? But it's okay, Diploma i'm #foreveralone but there's always a Degree! Hahahahaha. Just kidding. Love will come when the time is right laaaa. Just wait for it :) It'll be worth it. (puppy eyes)

It's the 22nd now, which means exactly 1 more week before i leave. For the millionth time that i'm gonna say this... i'm filled with mixed feelings. And i don't think these feelings will ever go away until i set foot in Korea. I guess. I wonder if bearing my heart out would work, but i'm terrified. Argghhhhh my mind's a complete mess. My heart and my mind are totally out of sync. I feel like a complete wreck. Emotional wreck. I keep thinking and wondering, and i try to figure it out but i always end up with more questions in my head. Will the answers ever come to me? Are they gonna be the answers that i'm looking for? Or is it better not knowing? You see... I end up with more questions, don't i. Man, this sucks.

But whatever it is, once again... I'll follow my heart. Even if it means falling into a bottomless pit, then so be it. I'll fall. Willingly. I just hope that if i hit rock bottom, please let it hurt less. Cuz my heart barely mended itself.

xoxo, W
You make me smile.
For no reason at all.
It's scary.

Breathe

This suffocating feeling got extremely intense as of late. Whatever is going on in my heart seriously needs to calm down. But then again, we all know that such things are unfathomable and it brings you on rollercoaster rides. Enjoy it while it lasts, i guess? ;) It doesn't come around very often! Hahaha. 

By the time this post gets published, it's gonna be 16th May. Which means another 13 days before i leave for Korea for 22 days. Honestly... I'm overwhelmed with emotions and i don't know what's going on with me. It feels like i've lost myself, and that i can't keep up with time. And now Ukiss is gonna be in KL on 26th May and my sis wants to go so we're gonna leave on the 25th, up until the 27th. But i don't know if i wanna go. I'm giving up a chance to see Ukiss. I must be crazy. In the past i would've pounced on every chance and died of excitement if i'm gonna see them but now i'm ditching it. 

Truth is, i've found what makes me happy. And it's not just Ukiss anymore. I guess i'm in a phase where i'm stepping out of fandom and moving back to reality. I have so much i would love to just rant here but i can't. And that's when all this suffocating starts all over again. Bummer. 

More often than not, i feel like i'm so undeserving of this. 

Whatever it is, or whatever it may be, i'm gonna keep following my heart. Unless if for some drastic reasons that i have to let it die, then it's a different story altogether. But for now, heart over mind. 

xoxo, W

Getting by

Okay let's see.. Today went by with me feeling like a total bum, rolling around at home. But it's good cuz i don't have to worry about what to wear or how my hair is gonna look like. I love lazy days ;)

It wasn't just my icecream that was melting under this crazily hot sun. I would melt too, sooner or later. 

Walk with me would you? 

Cookies that Manda baked ;)

Oh! It's 9th May already and my lil princess turns 16. The best sister anyone can ask for. And i'm thankful for her ;) I look at her and i tell myself that i gotta keep doing the right things so that she can learn from me. And i hope that at the very least, i'm doing a fairly decent job now. Hahahaha.

Alrighty! Gotta work tmrw, time to crash soon! Goodnight y'all, xx.

xoxo, W