Tonight, tonight i find myself wincing in pain for almost no reason at all. Whatever that is happening to me, please blow over soon. I've been trapped in this storm for too long now, i need my rainbow.
It's hard to sleep with a heavy heart. A broken heart. A heart that took me 3 years to barely mend. It shouldn't be so broken now. It shouldn't.
Dear heart, i'm sorry. But i'm fixing you, so please hang in there.
xx, W.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
I need to heal
My heart feels like it's gonna stop beating soon. Sometimes it hurts so much that i start to wonder if my heart is really okay. Maybe it's dead, for all i know. Hahaha.
4 more days to my birthday, and i'm almost almost done with the preparations. I'm extremely thankful for the people around me who have been helping me along the way. Don't know what i'd do without them, really :') With that said, that'll mean it's another 6 more days till i breathe the korean air, and stand on the same piece of land as my ukiss boys. I can't wait, i really can't wait.
There's so much i wanna let go of here. All the pain, the heartache, the confusions of the mind, everything. Right now the only thing i would miss here are my closest people, and my parents ofcourse. Since my sis is going with me, i'd have half my world over there with me so i'm fine. It'll be so perfect if i could just drop everything and stay in korea for a bit. Till my heart feels whole again. Lesighz.
I can do this, i can. The last time i felt so shitty, although it took a long long loooong time, i got over it in the end. I can do it again right?
Oooookay, i've made up my mind. I should totally create a public blog and post about food and happy things, so that as long as i keep thinking i'm fine, i would eventually be fine. C'mon waiyin, this isn't you.
xoxo, W
4 more days to my birthday, and i'm almost almost done with the preparations. I'm extremely thankful for the people around me who have been helping me along the way. Don't know what i'd do without them, really :') With that said, that'll mean it's another 6 more days till i breathe the korean air, and stand on the same piece of land as my ukiss boys. I can't wait, i really can't wait.
There's so much i wanna let go of here. All the pain, the heartache, the confusions of the mind, everything. Right now the only thing i would miss here are my closest people, and my parents ofcourse. Since my sis is going with me, i'd have half my world over there with me so i'm fine. It'll be so perfect if i could just drop everything and stay in korea for a bit. Till my heart feels whole again. Lesighz.
I can do this, i can. The last time i felt so shitty, although it took a long long loooong time, i got over it in the end. I can do it again right?
Oooookay, i've made up my mind. I should totally create a public blog and post about food and happy things, so that as long as i keep thinking i'm fine, i would eventually be fine. C'mon waiyin, this isn't you.
xoxo, W
Monday, March 18, 2013
Breathless
After so long of not blogging, i'm back again. This time with more loads on my chest. Loads i really need to get rid of.
I feel like i'm stuck in a dark hole, and everything surrounding me is bright and happy, except me. And i hate this feeling cuz i'm not normally like this. I'm really not.
Weeks ago i felt that same raw pain i've felt 3 years ago. So much so that it consumes me but i realized that hey, i'm used to this pain. It hurts, but it wasn't something i couldn't deal with. Am i really that dark and twisted, and have i really grown so used to the heartache that it doesn't hurt as much anymore? If it is then it's sad. Cuz it took so much out of me to finally trust someone and let someone into my heart but here i am again, battered and bruised. I'm sure when i say i know not all guys are like that but why haven't i met someone who would mend my heart instead of break it? Where is he?
That aside, i feel like i've closed my heart out from the world. I wanna go back into fandom and hopefully seek some comfort in that. My heart hurts terribly but i can't show it cuz it's weak, and a sour face is not what people would wanna see. So i put up a strong front and hopefully convince myself that if people see that i'm happy, and believe that i'm happy, then i myself would believe that i'm happy too. And eventually, as time goes by, i'll be fine again.
Okay happy thoughts! I'm stoked about my partyyyyyyy! I'm finally throwing a birthday party after idk how many years and i'm really glad to have my friends and family with me :) But the preparation is killing me and it's really taking it's toll on me. Then there's work... Work is, i would say, annoying. A dread. I have never dreaded going to work before but nowadays i have to drag myself there. Everything in that place is going wrong and it's weird and it's just not somewhere i wanna be right now. I want happy places. I wanna be able to be happy. But here, i can't. I unknowingly sulk, and that's not me.
Right now i just wish we could fast forward time to the 30th, celebrate my birthday and then fly off to Korea and if i could, i'd not come back so soon. This time things are different. I want to be away from everything here because it hurts, and i have to keep pretending that it doesn't affect me when it does.
I need a getaway. Cause i've been looking for answers for too long, and now that i found the answer, i wanna be away from it. I wanna start on a clean slate. Because i feel like i've wasted 1 year going in circles and ending up broken.
I'm not that strong, really. All i want is someone i can run to when i'm down, and when i feel like my world is gonna come crashing down on me, i need him to hold it up for me. To give me the tightest hugs and to tell me that he's gonna be there for me no matter what comes our way. I haven't found him yet.
xoxo, W
I feel like i'm stuck in a dark hole, and everything surrounding me is bright and happy, except me. And i hate this feeling cuz i'm not normally like this. I'm really not.
Weeks ago i felt that same raw pain i've felt 3 years ago. So much so that it consumes me but i realized that hey, i'm used to this pain. It hurts, but it wasn't something i couldn't deal with. Am i really that dark and twisted, and have i really grown so used to the heartache that it doesn't hurt as much anymore? If it is then it's sad. Cuz it took so much out of me to finally trust someone and let someone into my heart but here i am again, battered and bruised. I'm sure when i say i know not all guys are like that but why haven't i met someone who would mend my heart instead of break it? Where is he?
That aside, i feel like i've closed my heart out from the world. I wanna go back into fandom and hopefully seek some comfort in that. My heart hurts terribly but i can't show it cuz it's weak, and a sour face is not what people would wanna see. So i put up a strong front and hopefully convince myself that if people see that i'm happy, and believe that i'm happy, then i myself would believe that i'm happy too. And eventually, as time goes by, i'll be fine again.
Okay happy thoughts! I'm stoked about my partyyyyyyy! I'm finally throwing a birthday party after idk how many years and i'm really glad to have my friends and family with me :) But the preparation is killing me and it's really taking it's toll on me. Then there's work... Work is, i would say, annoying. A dread. I have never dreaded going to work before but nowadays i have to drag myself there. Everything in that place is going wrong and it's weird and it's just not somewhere i wanna be right now. I want happy places. I wanna be able to be happy. But here, i can't. I unknowingly sulk, and that's not me.
Right now i just wish we could fast forward time to the 30th, celebrate my birthday and then fly off to Korea and if i could, i'd not come back so soon. This time things are different. I want to be away from everything here because it hurts, and i have to keep pretending that it doesn't affect me when it does.
I need a getaway. Cause i've been looking for answers for too long, and now that i found the answer, i wanna be away from it. I wanna start on a clean slate. Because i feel like i've wasted 1 year going in circles and ending up broken.
I'm not that strong, really. All i want is someone i can run to when i'm down, and when i feel like my world is gonna come crashing down on me, i need him to hold it up for me. To give me the tightest hugs and to tell me that he's gonna be there for me no matter what comes our way. I haven't found him yet.
xoxo, W
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Strength
Always have faith. Never give up on someone if you know you can still hold on. Because we're all in the process of finding ourselves. Time.
Now tell me, what do you do if you have to hide everything because nothing is clear? But then again i took a few leaps last year and i don't know if it even got me anywhere but it doesn't feel like it did. So, what now? It's like throwing a boomerang and it doesn't come back to you. Or it's like... trying to clap with one hand.
Whatever it is... what will be, will be. I'm happy as long as i'm with the people i care about. The people who can make me laugh even when i really don't want to. And for that i'm so so so thankful :) Wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.
xoxo, W
Now tell me, what do you do if you have to hide everything because nothing is clear? But then again i took a few leaps last year and i don't know if it even got me anywhere but it doesn't feel like it did. So, what now? It's like throwing a boomerang and it doesn't come back to you. Or it's like... trying to clap with one hand.
Whatever it is... what will be, will be. I'm happy as long as i'm with the people i care about. The people who can make me laugh even when i really don't want to. And for that i'm so so so thankful :) Wouldn't trade it for anything else in this world.
xoxo, W
Thursday, December 20, 2012
If it's you...
What do you do when the one thing that you finally believed in, turns into a faded memory? All along i used to think that if i waited long enough, he would feel it. But did he? Now it's like everything has blended into a terrible blur that i can't see where i'm going, and i don't know what i'm doing. It wasn't supposed to feel this horrible. How did something so sweet turn into the horrible mess it is now?
I'm not someone who gives up easily and once i set my heart on something or someone, i don't waver easily. But it's a pity because unfortunately, i didn't matter enough. I couldn't keep the heart. His heart.
Whatever it is, i will survive. I'm not devasted or dramatically out of love but it kinda sucks that i'm not someone who is good enough to keep hearts. Perhaps one day, i'll find someone who is willing to give me just as much as i can give him. And i'll keep waiting however long it may take to finally find that someone. Because if there's anything that i have learned from HIMYM, it's that if someone is worth the wait, no amount of time is too long. And yes, he might break my heart along the way but he'll also be the one who will mend it for me.
I know it doesn't stop here. I know that no matter how many times i fall, and get my heart broken, there is someone out there who will come along & make everything better.
xoxo, W
wherever you are.
whoever you are.
i'm waiting for you.
I'm not someone who gives up easily and once i set my heart on something or someone, i don't waver easily. But it's a pity because unfortunately, i didn't matter enough. I couldn't keep the heart. His heart.
Whatever it is, i will survive. I'm not devasted or dramatically out of love but it kinda sucks that i'm not someone who is good enough to keep hearts. Perhaps one day, i'll find someone who is willing to give me just as much as i can give him. And i'll keep waiting however long it may take to finally find that someone. Because if there's anything that i have learned from HIMYM, it's that if someone is worth the wait, no amount of time is too long. And yes, he might break my heart along the way but he'll also be the one who will mend it for me.
I know it doesn't stop here. I know that no matter how many times i fall, and get my heart broken, there is someone out there who will come along & make everything better.
xoxo, W
wherever you are.
whoever you are.
i'm waiting for you.
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