When there's no one else to talk to, i'm glad i still have this little space for me to turn to.

My heart hurts.

Yes, right now i feel like the most useless person on this earth. I am pathetic, i am. I don't blame anyone for saying that. But it hurts.

The one person i should be able to run to, has been burdened by me. And i can feel it, i know it. Maybe i should really be strong for myself, like how i was when i was alone. There's this saying "Coffins are made for one anyway" and i doubt i'll ever forget this phrase. It's so true. I mean honestly at the end of the day, we're all going to die alone, be buried alone, and leave this world alone. So why not start being okay with being alone now right?

When he says those things to me, my heart dies. And i can't show it because yeah, maybe i'm sensitive, maybe i'm petty, maybe it's my ego. I don't know what it is, but you know that feeling when you're so down and out and you're desperately looking for comfort from someone but you get something harsher instead? Your heart just dies. But it's no surprise for me, my heart has died so many times and revived itself so many times after. I know i'll walk out of this alive, but it hurts and i just need a space to rant. Because maybe really no one understands.

I love him. With everything i have left of my heart, i love him. Which is why when he hurts me with those words, i just swallow it. I know he means no harm. I know he loves me. But i guess i'm not strong enough to just listen to those words and pretend like it doesn't affect me.

Every time i try my best to understand, to help, to be alert and not say stupid things to piss him off. But sometimes this is just me? Maybe i really am stupid, ignorant, non-observant. Maybe i am. And so every single time, without fail, i annoy him. I've really tried. Honestly, i do whatever he told me to do, or i copied whatever he does so that it doesn't go against what he normally does, and so i won't get scolded but somehow, just somehow, something will just trigger him. The old me would start a fight, or argue. But i've learned to just shut up. Because i know that if i open my mouth and say something, it will get nasty and we'll all start saying mean things that we don't mean (or subtly, indirectly do mean it) and we'll just hurt each other, hurt the relationship. So if by me keeping quiet and taking it in, means that it'll save our relationship, i'll do it. I just need a space, like this, to vent it all out when i feel like i need to let it out.

I know he's stressed with his job. I know i can be really annoying and irritating. I guess we just have to find a way to work this around the both of us so that we don't keep creating conflicts that are avoidable.

It's all fine. I'm just hoping it'll get better because if i can't deal with it now, how will it be like in the future? I don't know. I'm scared. I want a future with him but if i'm going to end up feeling upset every time he does this, how am i gonna survive. Will i run out of 'heart', or run out of tears. I don't know.

Please, i just hope everything gets better somehow. I love him, and i love us. Sigh