Don't know what to feel, don't know what to do.

Work has been the only thing keeping me sane yet driving me insane at the right times. I've learned to revert back to being independent just the way i was before. In a way (i know i shouldn't be feeling like this) but sometimes i feel so alone. Like i'm where i was before. But being alone somehow doesn't scare me anymore, and honestly i feel so used to this. Just that i thought i'm done being alone. 

I know work is crazy, careers have to be in place, and we're at the age to start chionging our careers and all, but work-life balance? It's the little things... that still seems too difficult to achieve. Am i really asking for too much? I understand we get busy at times, but a meal, a text, no? 

But it doesn't faze me anymore. I have gotten used to this. It's just a weird cycle whereby i get really happy when he's around but i just get so nonchalant when there's no reply no communication no interest. Or when he'd rather play his game than talk to me when i've waited for him for the past few hours to get home. My heart just... i don't even know how to describe it. But again, it's fine. Maybe i'm just being crazy, as always. Idk. 

All i wanna do is lie down and talk about the day, the world, the future, anything that comes to mind. Share my day with him, and his with me. But i just lay there by myself... till i eventually drift asleep. 

I love you. So much more than you can imagine, and i don't know if it's helping me or killing me. Making you happy is what makes me happy. But i guess everyone will eventually run out of things to give if they keep giving.

Every night i worry if he's home, because bikes be dangerous af. But sigh.
Almost every night recently, the tears will put me to sleep. And i wake up every morning putting on the strongest front i can master, and start the day. Because why? Because no one wants to see a sour face, a sad face. But thankfully, somehow going to work can make me happier by that little bit. And that's enough to see me through the day. Until the night comes again and it's a cycle. But i try. And i try like hell to be as happy as i can while wishing for brighter days to come. 

Maybe just, give me that little bit more of strength to tide through this phase with him. Because i know it's not easy on him either. To brighter and happier days.