Rain

It's a rainy sunday night. My heart feels so blue. 

Take some time away from everything else and focus on things that i should be putting an effort into. Right now it's school and work. I'm still trying to find the balance between both, and to have a life despite the hectic schedules. But then again, what life? 

I will find myself again. I will be the same waiyin i was before all these started. Just... give me some time. Cuz it's not as easy as i thought. 

xoxo, W 

Pillars

To the people who stood by me throughout my ups and downs, through my heartaches and tears, and basically for being there through all my steps in life, i love you. All of you. I wouldn't be where i am today if it weren't for you guys and honestly, no words would ever suffice how thankful i am to have all of you in my life. You know who you are.

Today weizhen gave me such a pleasant surprise when she purposely dropped by the store to give me a box of macarons. What will i do without all my pillars? :') So so so thankful.

Meeting John today and just talking about the past made me realize how much we've all grown. Past relationships, past crushes and heartaches, are all behind us now. Those days are memories we take with us into our new phase of life, whether or not it's good or bad, it was what moulded us into who were are today. Back then i never thought i would walk out of that heartbreak and it felt like i would never open up to anyone ever again, but i did. And as painful as it is now, i know i will end up walking out of this. And i know that in the future, as i look back at what i am now, i will be laughing.

Always thankful to have a friend where even though we rarely ever meet, but when we do, it's still easy to catchup and fill each other in on life. I'm sorry if i talked a lot about myself today but i really needed to get it all out of my system. And i know that you will always listen to my rants because you've always been doing so since years ago. And for that, i am extremely thankful.

"You will walk out of this, i know you will. It takes time but you will. You've done it before, you can do it again." Thankyou.

I know i will. And i hope you find yours soon :)

xoxo, W

Walking away

Walking away, as scary as it sounds, could sometimes be the only option left. To save yourself from excruciating heartaches and uncontrollable tears. I guess this is it.

Perhaps i know that deep down in my heart, that all these feelings i have for him, are still there. And i keep hoping that someday, the guy i fell for in the past, would come back. But everyone is telling me otherwise. And i guess i know it too. I just couldn't face the fact that perhaps the person i fell for, never existed. Perhaps he just acted it out. Perhaps it was a facade. A facade that i fell into, that i threw my heart into. And why did i do that? I don't know. I thought it was real. I thought he was genuine. I thought he was someone i could give my heart to. So was i wrong?

Now that things are the way they are now, i'm slowly beginning to understand why everyone has been saying what they've said. Could it really be that you were putting up an act all along? Is this the real you? Why did i have so much faith in you when the you that i know, isn't you at all?

I kept waiting for him to return, because i felt that if i believed in him, if i waited for him, he would sense it and he would come back. But i guess not everything works this way. It has been too long, too much faith, and unfortunately too much pain to bear. I cannot go on. I shouldn't. I guess the faith i had in him, is disappearing. And now, i'm accepting the fact that he's not coming back. Maybe even believing the fact that he never existed at all.

Dear you,
I had a lot of faith in you. I thought that you would revert to being the guy i fell for. I thought that if i believed in you long enough, you would feel it too. But i was wrong. I miss you, i really do. But i now know that your feelings weren't true, and that you've been playing me all along. Sure, i stood by you throughout, and i've watched you fall for someone else over and over again. Yet i stayed. The countless times that you come and go as and when you felt like it, i stayed. When you made me feel like you were coming back to me, i believed you. But the next thing i know? You were gone again, as usual. Who am i to you? Why are you doing this to me? There are so many questions that i can't get answers to. I can only feel like a complete fool. Everything i've done, or said, were futile. But still, i hope you're happy. I hope you'll finally find someone that will make you stop your games.

The past year has been one hell of a ride for me. Because i would never have imagined that after 3 years of mending my heart and keeping it away from jerks, i would actually open it up to someone who would end up breaking it. It has been crazy. So crazily painful that no amount of words would suffice in describing it.

Save me.

xoxo, W

My reason

Y'know... Truth is, i think there's this hidden feeling in my heart that i never got to explore, never got to try. Because you went away even before i could justify my feelings for you. And he stole my heart. Now that i'm out of the blurry mess, i'm starting to see things clearly. And when you text me, i feel as though my feelings are reviving. I don't know how i'll feel if i see you, but i wanna find out. Is this weird? Feeling this way?

You're a part of my past that i never had answers to. I never even got to try. I never got to explore my feelings because all i could do was to sweep them under the carpet because i wasn't sure about yours. I wish i could turn back time, to see if you could really be the love i've been looking for. I'm hoping our time would come again.

Because i am so tired of being hurt, of being played, and of loving someone who doesn't see me.

Would you be my reason to smile?

xoxo, W

Everything i own

Every love song that plays, i think of you. As much as i don't want to, i do. How is it so that someone who brings me so much pain, stays in my heart for so long? I don't understand. 

So everyday i tell myself that you're not the one for me cause if you were, you wouldn't do this to me. But every single day i get caught up in my own emotions that i no longer know what i should do. I'm trying my best to keep my days as packed as i can, to keep myself around people who genuinely care about me. I keep doing whatever it takes to keep you out of my head, my heart. I don't know if it's working, but i think it is. I'm no longer tormented by your actions. 

I don't bother anymore, really. I'm not even trying to fight for anything anymore. I just wanna do what makes me happy. Because as time goes by, i've seen a lot, i've realized things, and i've learned a lot. I now know that with all the things you've done to me in the past, i should've walked away. I shouldn't have stayed, hoping that someday you'll see. I shouldn't keep being the second choice. I shouldn't have done a lot of things i've done. But what can i say? 

I faced my feelings. Did you? I told you everything i felt. Did you? 

I should've listened, but i didn't. I should've walked away, but i didn't. I should've been mad at you, but i wasn't. You should've seen my heart, but you didn't. 

I miss the guy i fell for. I miss him so much that it hurts but try as hard as i might, i'll probably never find him. Now when i look at you, all i see is a shell. That guy is gone. Or hidden, i don't know. There's a lot of things about you that i no longer know. And people keep asking me "oh how is he doing now?" and all i can tell them is "i don't know". Because i honestly don't. Who are you? Where is that guy who was everything i was looking for? People change, they say. I think i see it now. 

Time. Time will bring me someone who would mend me. 

My heart is so weary. 

xoxo, W